You're not sorry

~ ~ ~ https://soundcloud.com/eilishgilligan/rookie-coffee ~ ~ ~

^ The final version of that song ya know the one ^

Last night Frida played at the Village at Edinburgh Gardens in Fitzroy. I had a really fun time ya know, like me and Lewis got there pretty early and we went ~backstage~ and got a free dinner of veg dahl and you had to wash the dishes yourself and everything and there was a little puppy and it was sooo cute and we sat in camping chairs next to each other just being quiet. It's nice when you feel so comfortable with someone that you can just do the things that you normally do but next to each other...or something. I like closeness. Anyway we played and I feel pretty OK about it; recently after gigs I've just been feeling so down about the whole thing and nitpicking everything I did wrong and being extremely hard on myself, to the point where it seems like I'll just never improve or succeed or anything like that. I think it's super important to be critical of yourself and see areas where you can improve but you know recently I've been thinking that it's equally as important to try and see yourself for what you really are, or even how others see you. Like last night I feel like there were of course specific points during the performance that next time I would do differently, or better, whatever, but I also feel like if someone was just walking past they would probably stop and watch because we look interesting and we sound, well, we sound good. I'm not afraid to say that anymore. 

I love performing which is lucky. I'm such a dork in real life; I'm not a very good driver and I like to make lots of noise by blending up peanuts to make peanut butter and I take way too long in the supermarket because I'm looking at things but when I'm on stage, it's all business. No fucking around. I'm this strange creature that's not really me, but who I wish I was - honest, strong, assertive, furious; last night I caught myself actually rolling my eyes during a song remembering so, so clearly what it was written about and how I felt in my bones that night, it was all just there. I'm someone who's not frightened of defeat, or sadness, or happiness or anything and it's so liberating and I wish everybody in the world could experience that feeling of freedom - when you roll your eyes in front of an audience thinking about the time you were crying on the way home from softball practice in year 12 because someone kissed someone who wasn't you and how stupid that really and truly is.  

I'm not really saying what I mean to say properly but since when do I ever anyway...