Confessions

i sit in subway and think how silly it is of me to order black coffee that burns my tongue when all i really want is a milky cappuccino with two sugars and the little chocolate sprinkles on top like my nana used to get. i wander past the wine shelves in the bottleshop pretending to browse when i know i'm heading straight towards the clean skins ($3.99 ea) and i know i'll put it in a drink bottle in lewis' backpack and refill my cup in the bar when the bouncer isn't looking. i stand in front of the mirror at the pub at 6.30pm drawing eyeliner thicker and thicker to cover the mistakes i make cause my hands are always shaking and i don't know if i'm not eating enough meat or if i'm just nervous. i walk with henry to the donut shop on brunswick st and he orders some custard million calorie concoction and i want to smash my arm right through the burning glass underneath the register and pick up every single donut on display and throw them all as far away from me as possible (i used to be pretty good at first base in softball you know). i want to read the harry potters again because it's so familiar and so warm and so 2004 when i didn't care about anything except harry and horses and delta goodrem. i want to rest my head against a horse's neck and be a little girl and be looked after and be worried about and just be.

because now i'm 20 years old and two decades should've taught me more than it has and i'm happy and i'm sad and i'm hot and cold and sitting alone in my bedroom watching dr. phil on a weekday and i wish it was as simple as it is in his 40 minute sessions with mental cases in front of an audience of housewives because in case you didn't realise life is not like tv or the internet or even books. life is in confessions at 3am when i've finished the wine in my love's backpack and we step out of the cab with our legs unsteady and who's turn is it to pay this time? oh yeah it's mine. life is there when he walks in front of me flicking snails off the path with his feet and it's there when we skulk past his little sisters restless in bunk beds and it's there when all i want to do is sleep and know that his little living body is resting next to me. 

(and in the morning i'll be hungry when i wake up near to lunchtime again and i'll ask for black coffee even though i know what i want)