if you could just see me now, jessica, i think you'd be proud

i hope that i never forget a lot of things

how i didn't know what to do so i just walked

and i had no one to tell but it felt so good

i held it like i could die

i held it like it might get taken away

brunswick st was soaked in gold

and i was so calm 

and i curated it perfectly

i stared at a new wall for 45 minutes

filling the space with airport drop-offs

i'm so in love with that route

i'm so in love with the streetlamps

i'm so in love with the 5am wakeup call

and that hungry midnight kiss

i thought i left limbo there

i thought i left you there

there's nothing i wouldn't do to settle up with heaven

there i was, one last time, 

toe poised above the water (i wanna get better)

when my lungs invert to my stomach and i met the floor

two children in front of me seated at the same piano

while i watched myself disintegrate into brains and a mouth

standing aside like i do in that dream where i'm watching myself walk away from me.

the phone shook violently with your name in big white letters

i felt sick, it felt domestic

i smiled just a little bit

if my heart is idle am i doomed

clomp clomping my fussy way towards you knowing you
were sitting there waiting, for ME,

sickly sickly sick something saying 'remember this sis,
because this will be all you get.' 

and it was!!

but the start was just the best part
primping and preening my outfit
dreaming up the perfect something to say
that'd pin you against the wall

press my palm against your chest and
imagine the pounding inside belonged to me

well there's fuck all i can do about it now, and it's for the best,

urrrrgh isn't it like that for so many things that have happened to me now?
i attract and repel in equal parts, apparently. 

i will say this though, 

there was just something so smug about your stupid elbow on my stupid knee.

i feel sick and i can't forget it


you did this

maybe it's the crazy i like

(every now and again a train goes by

and it reminds me of home)

all my clothes are in bags on the floor

to be honest i cannot be bothered putting them away

i'm in, then out, then in and out again

i buy flowers for myself, think of lorde and leave again

i feel like a teenager, with teenage problems

i walk outside my old uni to catch the tram home

after getting anxious over two glasses of wine, classic...

back then i would've gone home with someone else

leant against their chest and slept blissfully like a child

but i did it alone, for the first time in so many years

found the perfect song to soak my head.

found a pack of men to hide behind.

remember that people love me, remind myself daily

remember to lock the doors