This time next week, I will be getting off a plane in Los Angeles, rubbing my lil eyes and thanking my lucky stars for the series of fortunate circumstances that is my life.
"Je suis perdu...mais je vais me retrouver."
In a session with my psychologist the other day ***(I am fine this is v normal I feel good thanks:))*** I was saying how I have been feeling more comfortable in my own skin recently. I ran 10km in an hour this week, and I know that's not very fast or anything but I feel very proud of myself and proud of the fact that I worked *hard* for that distance and that time. For once, I was not running away from ~fat but running towards !healthy! and !achievement! and it felt really, really good. I struggle a lot with the difference between feeling and fact. I often catch myself thinking, or even worse, saying, 'I feel fat' or 'I feel like a failure' or something to that effect. It is very hard, when a feeling very strong, to differentiate between what is real and true, and what is just felt. It's hard to explain but I feel like I hardly need to, because all of us, at least once, have believed something we have only ever felt. Anyway, I have been feeling (ha) pretty good. I think I will have to get used to the feeling of being out of control of my life, because no matter how hard I work nothing ever seems to go exactly as I expect that it will. I suppose that's the fun of it.
I'm leaving for America in a couple of weeks, which was something I pretty much forgot about in the busy fury of semester and gigs and stuff, and now it's like hit me that we're going and we're gonna do all this cool stuff and I'm so excited I can't like sit down. My life is changing in a strange way, but I think in the end the change is good. We're hurtling towards the end of semester, but for the first time ever I feel like I'm in control. I am a musician and I am an artist and I have chosen this life because I love it. I don't need a ~back-up plan~ because I will work until I am happy/I will be happy working, y'know. I was terrified of next year, without the cradle of this degree, but having thought logically about the whole thing I feel like I'm prepared to jump... I have been going out a lot, which is good, because all my songs live there. I love the way Darvid raises his eyebrows at Lewis, tilting the neck of his guitar towards us during the set, trying to teach Lewis his guitar lines mid-gig. I love the way the bartender leans over our group to wordlessly hand me a candy necklace like something out of a dream. I love the way Kitty the gypsy glides into the room totally unaware of her ethereal presence and I love watching Justin's dread-head silhouette nodding along as I listen from the bar. I just overflow!
I have been listening to Kate Bush religiously recently, and her voice like a prayer floats around my crappy headphones while I ride the train. I can't stop listening to Hounds of Love - such vision! Such innovation! Srsly! I've linked the full album below, do yourself a favour and listen from start to finish...and thank me when you dream of sheep.
