This isn't for the best

1. 
m and i sit at the high wooden table with two pub meals between us. 
i put my head in my hands again, 
rehash again, and again, and every time it feels different
i feel like a stranger, or maybe someone i knew years ago
sometimes i dream of myself walking away from me
i see my ponytail walking off with someone i don't know
and that's mostly what it feels like.

well anyway m says it's only a mistake until it isn't anymore
and i store that away, useful thing
i can't remember feeling much else but this, for so long, 
and my heart breaks again for him, only just at the beginning,
but still offering little wisdom
then someone's at the door
and we pull each other back into reality just for a little while

that's how i like to keep my friends
a knowing nod. laughing hysterically about something terrible
growing up at the same time, growing up the same way
understand every mistake, forgive every misstep

2.
and then g rolls her eyes at me at the same time i roll mine, and we both hate new years and she's looking for her old diaries to show me that she felt exactly how i feel today at this time last year. i wonder if we move in little cycles of each other, with me lagging behind, feeling everything late. she's going to the beach, then she's going to bed. 

all the complex people i know are shying away from new years and it makes me feel better. i dunno if that's good or bad. 

3.

I feel fine I feel sick

i wander around dead drunk in love, 
an endless supply and nothing to fill up

i am ruled hopelessly by emotion,
which is an impossible way to be

and i try so so hard to change

but i'm so tightly wired in.

lean my head against the bar
joke about the cancer lurking
what evil have i stressed into existence

everything i'm scared of, i manifest
i'm the problem, i'm the solution

sometimes i feel happy
but honestly everything just feels deeply wrong

in fact i feel like i've been beaten
everything else has won.

i wear a christmas hat at the end of the table
wish away another year

Survival will not be the hardest part

i ride the bus
anonymous old lady
in a new city.

hold my phone to my chest
hold everything i'm yet to give
it's not ready yet

flicker over the bridge
the water settles
i'm flat against the glass

then everything settles.

a few years ago
a couple lifetimes ago 
a beach house with friends
i went to bed with a thousand bodies
lying in a row

'maybe tomorrow' crept under the door

that breaks my heart, i thought,
that's so sad

so yeah like i said 
my heart breaks over, and over, and over, and over,

and in the passenger seat at five thirty in the morning 
i made my peace with the fact
that i am completely batshit crazy

roll my eyes

i know i deserve to hang my head
but i hold it high

I had a bad feeling

betrayal is a terrible word. 

it reeks of its meaning
suck and pull consonants 
say spit all over it 

i hate it, but it's had me a few times
when i was young
when i was sweet

actually i thought i'd made my peace
it has been with me for years now, after all
and it takes only a little space in my gut.

so enter this phone call, right, 
and suddenly i'm standing in the street 
lighting myself on fire. honestly...

you wouldn't remember this but
i recall waiting in my first car
waiting for a good word,

waiting for you, always,
heartbroke and swollen

but i still waited
when i thought 
i saw you changing

well.

turns out it was a trick of the light.

so when i was driving home again today, bewildered,
big red burns tangled up and down my body,
i wondered why i don't feel so bad about it?
(when i always feel so many things?)
(and i loooove to feel so bad.)

i can only think of this.

i know i know i was a child
you can't pull me like that anymore

and i know i know my strength is not your weakness
although...maybe it is

whatever whatever, if that is the case
it's because i'm a cartoon witch, a haggard villain, 
the one who loses in the end

but who hurt you?

well it was the hottest april i remember
w my feet up on the dash phone against my cheek
primary school parking lot leaves on my windscreen
i'm waiting for something 
i'll take anything

'don't you think?'

dial tone

so, you know, 
try trying me again

i bathe in bleach
my stomach is concrete

fuck
with 
me

I see you in spotlights, in visions

alone in my house,

frozen in time,

but don't get me wrong now, honey

i am trying

i am grieving the loss of myself with frightening malaise

when there's weightness in youth, and the sum of it's small,

just stand in the darkness and laugh with your heel on its throat

______________________________________________________________________________

i arrive at her door with two blocks of chocolate

 and she's wrapping up a session

standing there on my own two feet

compartmentalise *that* significance

laugh about it half a block in because

i recall sitting in the shower, melting

i recall sitting in the passenger seat, weeks in, 

i recall sending myself the score i'd kept

then willing it into oblivion

i recall collecting tasks, outings, brunch, 

*this* many songs, *this* many emails, 

*this* is a beautiful day for a walk or a chat

or to convince g to take a trip

a leech on that happiness

trying

to choose abundance, to choose life,

to choose stories over silence

to choose strength and growth

over stagnation and apathy

just choose to be numb sometimes

choose to breathe in deep

when it's spoken into life

and it levers in the air...

and no one else can see it

but i feel it there

that supercut reel

so i'm not quite laughing at the dark

with a heel on its throat

but it is simple enough i think

before i go to sleep 

i choose love

and send it

as far as it'll reach

there if you need

Listen to my headache

listen

barrel down sackville charge through the dark like a bull
yikes there's that pub where NEVER mind i wanna d-d-die
d-dive into the asphalt don't look either way before crossing
the road blinders on, keys between my knuckles, watch
there's a girl ahead of me just as stressed, walking quickly
male voices echo down the street i hope they're scared of me
little dog with a light-up collar, a lunar hangover,
the yellow glow softens everything i know

maybe i'll just frighten off all my friends
buy a ticket somewhere never see that pub again

no, no, grit my teeth, make a fist, hold the street
a promise i won't try to keep

SWOLLEN

the storm that was supposed to come was a day late
wide-eyed they said it was gonna be apocalyptic
a deep adrenaline hit in my gut told me it was gonna be bad

but it wasn't so bad

i bought a ticket, sent it to a friend, answered a personal call at work
warmed up halfway through the set
feet on the steering wheel, little mobile home, truth-telling soothsayer singing:

i'm not ok right now, but one day i will be 
repeat into belief

to be blunt, my heart breaks over and over and over and over and
all it takes is a drive by the park or the shopping centre
i take the long way to avoid the hammer
sickly sticky sweetness spews from my mouth

i'm white as a sheet, glasses burn in the heat
eyebrows blooming thick and fast a big heavy lid
a fixture frown i forget where we were

when i first lost you but now i've lost you so many times

i raised my fist to the cliff and thought maybe i should go lose myself or get lost
but i can't afford that shit, i can't afford any of it
all my money is poured into a dream i never see it

do you remember exactly where you were this time last year?
i see myself there to the day, to the date, to the location
a throbbing motion and i retch it up any second
float in it for a while, then get back to work
repeat repeat

this is the part in the movie that everyone talks about
the part where it doesn't feel like it's gonna get better, 
the vertical climb
(the part every good story needs)
(the part every strong person knows)

but i'm weak and boring
i'm not charming or worth rooting for

do i reach out and take again?
bloody, beating and swollen in hand

(between me and you)

(i think i'm losing it now)

(and sometimes it's like a bullet came and blasted me right out of the blue)

(i've been wondering)

(what am i supposed to do?)