Most of all

i think loss is familiar to everyone. when it appears it doesn't just ~appear~, it rises from a place inside of you where it has been hiding since the start of you. i know this because sometimes loss raises its head - like when you lose concentration when you're driving for one millisecond and it nearly costs you your life - or when someone faints in front of you with their eyes wide open staring not seeing - or when someone isn't answering their phone and you've been calling and calling all afternoon - that's when loss perks its ears and you feel it stretching and preparing to take over your heart and your brain and your lungs and your fingers - and suddenly - you spin the wheel of your car, veering back on track - he blinks a couple of times and says 'what?' - your phone buzzes on your bedside table and you pick it up in a heartbeat - and loss crawls back into you somewhere, biding its time. 

'i remember everything you said/and all of it is turning round my head.'

i like to know that my day has been productive, that i am achieving, that i am good. as i grow older i'm beginning to realise that no matter how many times i am told by other people that i am ok, i will never completely believe it unless it comes from somewhere within myself too.