i love you thankyou goodbye

tonight i said the most formal, the most cosmic goodbye to you

staring into the crowd

staring through the ceiling 

i love you

i am deeply in love

off stage

i sit on the stairs

i think of you

i miss you

but i know you're gone

you were lost to me in a moment

and you never looked back 

though i lost you twice

i am losing you constantly 

we make less sense

the vision is lost

and the weight of you shifts

it does not disappear,

but it moves alongside me like a shadow now

joining the others and i drag them along 

i prop them up on stage 

i stroke their faces

facetious, audacious

feasting

listening

did you hear me say goodbye this time? 

sometimes i think 

but you don't look back 

shoot to forget

13/11/19, 10:48pm

You visit me in random visions. Usually when I’m driving, or idly staring at my computer at my boss’s kitchen table. Sometimes when I am in that warm place between sleeping and waking, in the limbo that opens before my eyes do, filling me with promise before I remember that you are gone, and it was me who told you to go.

The visions are short, but sharp, and painful. Now that I think about it, maybe it would be more accurate to call them hallucinations, as the sense that they overtake is not sight so much as it is touch. I feel your lips on my neck, your chin resting on my shoulder. I close my eyes and sink into the deep pink of our bodies together, the rising heat behind your ear, the soft tufts of your hair. The way my lips fit perfectly in the gentle pouch beneath your eye and next to your nose.

My brain floods me with sense memories, stumbling around in a panic, trying to catch remaining pieces of you before they are sucked away into the void of forgetting.

I wish I could ask you to stop visiting me. Sometimes I would like to forget.

with the men

is this trauma?

if i had to guess, i would say 

well, yes

i bit down between us

when i realised i will always be ugly, and brave,

and angry,

and you will always be 

who were you born to be. 

that is - 

when you are standing in a room 

with The Men

you become one of them

and everything you said so sweetly to me

with soft light on our bodies

buzzing feeling 

soaked in meaning really 

nothing to you 

actually

nothing to you. 


because all men become Men

eventually 

you can't trust them