Ima badass bitch

Recently I've been trying to surround myself in a little bubble of positivity (you might've noticed) and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I've been trying to not care so much about things that don't matter (story of my life kid) and use the energy that I've saved from not worrying so much and put it into my music, my health and my relationships with family and friends. I'm a happy lil nugget ~ ~ ~

Here's some things I've been ~working on~ :

~/DEMO/~ ROOKIE.COFFEE ~ : this is a lil song I've written for uni. I'm proud of it because I thought I was dumb for ages but I wrote this and it's not so dumb I don't think. I think it'll definitely benefit from some kind of harmony/cello/**atmos** or something but I just wanted to have this demo as a blank canvas kinda thing you know. I wrote the lyrics up on here a couple of posts ago. I think. 

~ rock me ~ one direction cover ~ : I LOVE this song, so much, it is so genius, the chorus urgh just kill me. I've written about it before, see below somewhere. I wanted to try something lo-fi and creepy you know, something with weirdo noises and shitty singing. I like this but man oh man the mix is so shit. Not even like phat-shit just like normal shit. I would listen in headphones if I were you. 

I hope you like this stuff. I feel like covers are really underrated as a learning exercise - like I feel like it's a quick and accessible way to improve your skills in arranging and production and stuff like that. Plus it's really really wonderful to sing songs that you love and put your own lil spin on things. 

That's me before our Gospel choir assessment/performance last night. Lately I've been wearing black a lot *gasp* and I've found that it really helps me embrace my inner badass bitch you know. I love the idea of wearing an entirely black outfit and going about your day with a flawless badass bitch attitude because I am probably the furthest thing ever from a badass bitch. I had to conduct my own piece the other day for one of my uni classes and they were professional musicians and everything and I woke up and was just like fuck this and wore a black-like-my-soul killer dress and everything. I mean I still felt like I was going to throw up and pass out at the same time just before I had to do my thang but I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror in my gothic glory and whispered "you're a badass bitch you're a badass bitch you're a badass bitch" and the whole thing went just fine. Phew. 

Anyway yeah last night we did our assessment thing and then we went out for dumplings at this creepy place that plays this terrifying version of Happy Birthday if you say that it's your birthday and everything is like MSG-sodium-sugar-oil wonderland and it's always really fun and rowdy. Then we went to Brunswick at the good ol' boyz noize bar and I thought about the first time I went there last year and it was just Lewis holding two pints and Henry dressed up as a sailor DJing for free drinks in this huge empty room and I just love that stupid place ya know. Then we were going to go to this party but it got shut down or something so we followed our little graffiti pixie Rory as he sprinted up Sydney Rd towards this soccer park. We sat there for ages laughing a lot and looking at the stars and talking about nothing and I felt like a proper fifteen year old which was a really nice feeling. Then mostly people wanted to get kebabs or something and we were kinda tired so we went home. It was a stupid night by all accounts but I love stupid nights like that. 

OH BEFORE I FORGET Frida is doing a residency at the Evelyn!!! Have I told you that yet? I don't know whatever. Here's the FB event and here's a poster!!! 

^

two projectors one overhead projector fairy lights and flowers and those weirdo battery candles i guess something beautiful something worth it sam's been saying stuff about everything being totally useless in the grand scheme of things maybe don't think about that right now just think about making good things and remember your teacher said he was excited about your work today that's good that's good got rained on today had to run to make sure your photocopied score didn't get wet urgh and the line at officeworks was so long and a french couple was behind me speaking french really fast and i just wanted to sit down and i fucking hate that officeworks because it's weirdly underground and last year i had an awful panic attack waiting in the same line and oh man i just h a t e it there but whatever i did it without freaking out and my score looks nice at least i guess i hope anyway i showed my song in class today and i was terrified and tried to laugh it off by being really blase about my work even though i'm actually really proud of myself and i'm not really sure why i do that because you should always just be proud and confident but sometimes that's hard but still no excuses no excuses like when you go to gym even when you're tired even when you don't want to even when you have lots of work to do and songs to write and you have to get up at 6am the next day to get on another train because you live really far away from most things like uni and parties and stuff i like trains now which is nice but you know those days when you've had too much coffee and sitting down is just like the worst thing so you're bouncing your foot around and listening to that same old album again because when the train goes fast the droplets race each other on the window and it feels like a movie cliche i know but it really does and i'm the main character but it's all a very long and boring story and the ending is vague and inconclusive 

Typical

I got back from my run about an hour ago, I've set Taku up next to the heater and I'm just sitting in bed trying to figure out what's due the soonest, ya know. Typically it's this time of year when it seems the most important to be trying to write new tunes, gigging as much as possible, running ten kilometres a few times a week and counting calories like my life depended on it - I'm a silly creature - all at the same time - impossible. But it's OK, you know, I've been taking it one day at a time and revelling in ~tiny legends~ that happen every day, every day. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

TONIGHT I made peanut butter from scratch, the best batch I've ever made. 

I TOTALLY aced a test in rhythm today and I thought about how much I've improved since the start of last year and I glow with pride. 

I RAN for the entirety of two One Direction albums tonight and I felt invincible and all boy-band fuzzy.

MY FRIDA boys thought that Lorde was pronounced 'Lord-ee' oh my God

yeah and FRIDA have the residency coming up!

NEBRASKATAK are playing at Inca Roads! 

SUMMER is coming!

 I wrote a song that I loved, then hated, then fell in love with again. I went through a brief melodrama recently where I thought I'd never be able to write a decent song again and every word I wrote for this particular song was tragic - but then on Sunday I just did it and I'm really proud. I might upload it soon for you to listen.

The words: 

rookie coffee so sour 

i wish i could want 

to spend the day in my bed

but i don't 

how perfect he stands 

backlit strums so 

sweet and so long

i'm so gone

crawling under now i wonder now

could i turn this into song somehow?

i'm tired of the postcards

with hearts drawn on cardboard 

i'm bored of reading you

that's the truth

i stumble to my

feet and just fall

my little heart pounds so strong.   

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

a picture taken of me by my friend jaccob at our recent exhibition at uni called 'resonating spaces'. 

~ sending good vibes your way every day internet friend xo ~

All neon like

A week and a bit ago I bought a new little friend who lives in my room with me.

Such a beautiful little darling! His name is Taku and he's a betta splendens. I've had these guys before but he's the first one I've had in a couple of years, since the last one I had died mysteriously and I felt so bad about it! 

I LOVE these fish. I've found myself looking at little tank trinkets and frozen bloodworms and betta breeders in Melbourne like seriously you guys - the other night I talked so much about Taku that I had to stop myself ("You see the bubbles at the top! That's his bubble nest! So amazing. I feed him once a day. You know you can train him to take food right out of your hand. I should really get some bloodworms because they love those. You know it's actually a myth that they only like small tanks and I think that's really sad. See the way his tail floats after him when he swims? So beautiful...etc etc etc"). 

Will you just look at these animals!!! So breathtaking! Are they even real???

I still like hotels

i'm little, but i'm coming for the crown. 

i'm little, but i'm coming for you. 

- lorde

it's 7.30-something. we landed a couple of hours ago and we made it to the hotel somehow. on the way there i sat in the back of the van with my nose pressed up against the window, trying to remember everything and feel it all in present tense. my boys are laughing and making gags and i'm laughing too, mainly because i can't think of anything else to do, mainly because i'm in a state of shock and a state of dreaming all at once and to be honest everything just seems so funny. i'm here, further away from my home than i've ever been, wiping sweat from my forehead, little hyper heart pounding, looking up into the concrete sky and the alien haze. this is hilarious. 

i'm sitting by the pool. i called my mum earlier and she sounded far, far away and i think about the ocean between us as i dangle my feet in the water. the boys are trying to stand on each others' shoulders and i sketch them in my diary, turning them into frantic strokes of pen against paper. somehow the mess seems right; seems silly to try and capture them still because they never are, seems redundant trying to cage their beauty and their youth because these things are so ephemeral, i guess. i give up, slide into the pool and float on my back, staring into the dusk and wondering when we'll dry off and explore dinner options. i suppose we'll just go back to the rooms and eat the creepy shit we found at the convenience store earlier and get drunk on duty-free liquor from the airport. that's fine by me. 

i was right. we push all the beds together in one of our rooms to make one super-bed and we all collapse onto it, drinking vodka and watching a korean soap opera. each of the boys try to outdo each other and it's joke after joke after joke with them. i like to sit quietly and listen and giggle and go along with mostly everything, taking notes in my head and trying to remember the moments that could, one day, be nurtured into songs.

on stage and i'm floating. long dress and flowers and glitter and i'm a mess of feeling. absurd and typical, fighter jets scream over our heads. i scream louder. the crowd cheers and i close my eyes thinking about how before you die your body releases a big load of endorphins and your life ends in ecstasy. i'm so happy right now i'm sure i could die any second. fine by me. 

i don't know where i'm going, literally and figuratively. i check my luggage in and mostly people stare because i'm wearing a big crown of flowers on my head and i'm just getting on a plane. i don't care. i wear flowers because they are beautiful and i want to be beautiful and i will never stop wanting that, not on planes, not in bathrooms, not anywhere and not ever. i guess i'm hungry for everything; i sit at subway at singapore airport, eating a tuna wrap and my stomach's full but there's something under my stomach or deep in my heart or in my brain or in my lungs that's still hungry. 

i guess i'm looking for everything to fill it up. i want to be everything...i'm coming for you. 

A to-do list

` + ~ `


12.07am

i have shit to do tomorrow
i mean today
i'll change my outfit twice
but forget the things that matter

(ambulance howling
my dog replies
i type quietly)

it's been three years since i was seventeen.

i'm so scared
i'm so scared
i'm so scared

i am enough
i am enough
i am enough.


` + ~ `

     

For now I am winter

(we found Soda, thank god for microchips huh)

Tonight I went back to my old high school because my sister had some art in an *exhibition* there and it was the opening or whatever. I thought they were going to serve wine but then I remembered it's a school exhibition opening not real life so yeah oh well.

I had a nice time at high school. I guess I probably would've fitted in better at a more artsy music-y school but the school that I did go to had some really lovely teachers that I still talk to and see and like as people and of course my ffunny ffrends too, who I love. So it wasn't as bad as I thought when I was an angsty seventeen year old. Actually you know I really liked school because I was good at it and I worked hard and it took up ALL of my days which I just love.

Anyway yeah so I went back there tonight and I just thought it was so funny. I walked on the same paths that I walked about a zillion times a day when I was a teenager thinking about life and being so, so ready to leave school. Walking on them again felt strange and I felt as though I should've been about ten years older or more established or something. I liked that it hadn't really changed that much. I liked that I got to go to the visual art building and see one of my artworks from year 11 on the wall. I liked that I saw my old English teacher who is nice and awkward but in an endearing way and I felt kind of sad and nostalgic about the silly way I used to talk to him and how he cared so, so much about my wellbeing when I was in year 12. I'd like to tell him that I went to the doctor after I finished year 12 and I'm much better now and I'll never forget that day when I was complaining to him and he quoted Sylvia Plath: the box is only temporary. I wonder if he remembers that he said that and it meant so much to me but I'm awkward and weird too so I will probably never ask.

I never really miss school these days. I feel like all in all I mostly enjoyed the time I had there but it's over now and has been for a couple of years and that's that you know. But sometimes, every now and again, I get this little pang in my chest thinking about how different things were then and how much I took things for granted. It's so hard to catch up with my girls these days, and I absolutely never see about 95% of my year level who I was so fond of at that time. I don't have teachers pulling me into their office anymore asking if I'm alright, or even just to compliment me on an essay that I had written. I don't pile chairs to the ceiling with my friends anymore playing a game that we made up called chair jenga (you can imagine how that would go) or locker pinball with an actual person as the pinball - there's no time nor place for silly games like that anymore. I don't drag myself onto schoolbuses, sitting right at the back, I don't pull on my blazer or clean my shoes or go to softball practice or play rehearsal. I don't even drink the same things I used to drink when I was underage, finding my feet in high heels and getting picked up by my Dad from parties at midnight. 

I guess it's all very soft-focus and blurry and nostalgic when you pile it all together like that. I have different things that are good and beautiful in my life now. I can drive wherever and whenever I so please, I don't have to hide it if I want a cigarette, I can wear as much makeup as I want and I can wear all the flowers in the world in my hair. I drink wine and I work hard and I write music and I get to perform it live all the time. I have seen parts of the world that I could only dream about all cooped up in class. My friends are close to me because they want to be, not just 'cause we have all our classes together. My love is kind and humble and the universe just knew I was too silly to nurture a love so gently when I was young, so we met later.

My first boyfriend moved out of home and I went to his housewarming a couple of weeks ago. He leant me a record and I thought about how my heart would've fluttered had he done that five years ago. But life rolls on and people change and hearts grow and brains do too. I love the past for what it was and I love the changes I have played through since leaving high school. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self all this stuff...but I feel like she would never have listened anyway. 

*

Today I am really sad because our little dog Soda has gone missing and normally if he gets out he comes back within a few hours but he's been gone since yesterday morning and I miss his little fluffy body. I hope he is safe and I really really hope he comes back but I don't know what the chances of that are? Poor Soda!

Him going missing has just put a dampener on everything I've been doing these since yesterday and I'm trying to keep my head up about the whole thing but yeah you know. I went to the pound yesterday morning but he wasn't there and then I drove around everywhere and there was no sign of him anywhere and we made posters and all that stuff. I keep thinking about that Brady Bunch episode where Tiger goes missing but it turns out he was just looking after some puppies he had but then I think about how real life isn't like The Brady Bunch at all and I get even sadder. I have also injured my foot so I spent the day resting yesterday hoping that it would be better by today but of course it is not and I'm looking at another day away from gym another day worrying about everything.

Hit the pedal heavy metal show me you can

So the other day I downloaded One Direction's latest album Take Me Home and I tell you what I am the biggest sucker for popular trends and like anything that Nova FM plays except for that stupid song about butts - yeah I downloaded the album and listened to it from start to finish on my way to and from uni yesterday...it's really good...and it's also incredibly clever. 

I really like One Direction and their music for a lot of reasons. I was talking to my friend Justin about this song in particular:

I said this (directly copied and pasted from our conversation because I can't be bothered):

"it's really good and you gotta remember that the people who write one direction's songs are the best pop songwriters in the world at the moment

it's so clever

the lyrics are generic enough to apply to anyone in the demographic they're aiming for (teenage grls) but specific enough and simple enough to form a story and imagery

it's catchy and alludes to pop culture (we will rock you) so parents who happen to overhear it from their daughter's bedrooms will dig it too

and that chorus melody is so good because it's a bit strange that climb up but it resolves perfectly oh man it's so good

and this is just an album track!!!! like man oh man..."

Really though. And I was listening to the album again at gym tonight and the production really is quite amazing - someone's nitpicked over it for days and days with a fine-toothed comb, taking every tiny little imperfection and ironing it out. Totally painstaking and so awesome. This review is interesting too (although I wholeheartedly disagree with the writer calling 'Rock Me' "excruciating" like excuse ME mister). Sigh.

from left to right: the blonde irish one, the one i don't know that one, the pointy one, the sweepy old one and the one with the hair

I'm the hero of this story

I haven't done a vibes post in about twenty five years so here ya go: 

~ ~ ~ 

the cat brought a dead bird to our door to our door to our door this morning

i made a coffin outta cardboard made a cross with some twigs to mark the grave

and i don't know what to tell you when i'm feeling like a bird

lying dying in some cat's mouth, too broken to fly out
~~~

Keep the doldrums away

~

when i was seventeen i went to some party

there was a girl there who was dressed up like a swan

she had a body that rippled and wove and 

i watched her dancing by herself 

eating birthday cake from a paper napkin she spun

and spun and spun around like magic

she was the most beautiful creature i have ever seen 

she was a swan eating birthday cake 

dancing like she knew how stunning she was 

and oh my god she was

she was

~

Hello world

Just in case we need any more reasons why I am the biggest dork in the world, here is one: I have been painting my room this week and while I've been painting I've been watching The Saddle Club on my laptop and being sad about not having a horse anymore even though I stopped riding in year 11 when I thought school was more important which is so dumb like I miss having my horse so much because I could just go down to the paddock and she would always be there and she was so beautiful and when I was riding and we were galloping or jumping like it is literally one of the best feelings in the world and I'm such a clumsy dork in real life so to be able to fly at the speed and feel graceful and strong and not alone because you have this huge amazing animal with you is just like unbeatable and I would tell her all my secrets and problems and she would just be happy to be brushed and fed and I would hug her around the neck and she'd be totally indifferent but it would be nice anyway...sigh. 

I have this huge love of animals that I think I sometimes just forget that I have! I mean with all the other stuff I have going on it's totally impractical for me to even think about taking up riding again right now but I really do miss it. And there's a part of me that will always, always be that lil ten year old girl reading Pony Pals and collecting model horses and writing stories about brumbies and going to my weekend riding lesson and cleaning saddles and just dreaming about ponies and horses and being a great rider etc. I miss how simple that obsession was ya know, like everyone knew I was the 'horse girl' and that was it, I loved horses and there was like nothing else to my life at that time. It sounds kind of sad now that I write it out but you know like it was a nice thing to be able to identify with, like that was my *thing* and I didn't need to be any more complicated than that...or something. I dunno. It made my life simple at that time when I was already having problems with anxiety and worrying about silly things ya know.