Don't you know I love you???

Last night I was stumbling my way through a not-so-distant-past time warp of a party, and thinking about how I still notice the exact amount of strain on a single person's face before their lips part to reveal teeth in a smile.


Even though conversation was mainly concerned with university and cars and "so, how've you been?"s, and not at all concerned with the things I like to talk about the most, like feelings or music or The Brady Bunch, I had lots of fun last night, pretending to be in high school again. The dull aching of my feet is a silly reminder of stomping my way through the Venga Boys like I didn't even know it was so not cool. 


I've learnt a lot in the past few months, mainly to do with the realisation that my heart isn't wild because I'm a teenager but because it's just the way we are made. I always thought it was being 17 that made feeling things so consuming but I've come to realise that we were arranged to be this way all along. Whether the arrangement is voluntary or not is another question. 


I have suddenly begun to think that it is. Probably just because I think feeling is the best thing to ever happen ever, ever ever. 


I think that's why I like obsessing over things or things that occupy my mind without me realising, until I'm thinking about one thing and nothing else for days on end. Being so in love with a poem that you have to carry it around in your pocket all day so you have easy, fast access to it at all times. Listening to a single song on repeat for an hour because there's always something there for you. Pasting your bedroom with pictures of a person you've never met and probably will never meet, and whom has no idea you exist or that you know  they exist, and of who you have absolutely no idea of their personality or hopes or dreams - the compulsion to do that, the drive that makes us fixate on things or people that will never happen, or never be really real to us except only in pictures or through a screen or a security distance, it's so weird. It's fascinating, the way we build people and things up in our heads until they become this divine entity, impossibly perfect and amazing, something not even real. Not even real!


We use our heads in such funny ways! Apologies for the tangent this post went on; I'm distracted by a piece I'm working on based around the idea of obsession - and it's fast becoming, well, that.