On nice days in the city, before class, I like to try and find somewhere to sit in the middle of everything so I can absorb as much of everyone else's routines as I can. Today I sat right in the middle of the city, watching everyone do everything all at once. A little girl came and sat next to me and normally I don't like kids much but today, my heart just melted (mainly because she had these little plastic sandals on that I wanted so badly). I find that little kids, mainly girls, like me quite a bit despite my old lady stiffness towards them; there's something in the way that I dress, I think, all colours and patterns and stuffed animals and shiny things, that they like. I didn't say anything to her, just smiled lamely and tried to inch myself politely away from her grubby fingers moving greedily towards the birds in my hair. Even so, this little blonde creature just made me happy for a moment and it made me wonder if I would actually like to have kids one day...or if I just like the idea of them, taking them to shopping centres during the day eating cookies with Smarties in them and having a Labrador and a house in the suburbs where they learn to ride their bikes on the street?
Another thing I like to do on nice days in the city is walk by my favourite theatre. It's beautiful and grand and old and I have very fond memories of standing inside and outside, being inspired and getting that fluttery heart from the idea of actually performing there myself one day. It's another one of those comforting things I like to do because it's just SO old and SO big that it seems like it'll never go away and the possibility of me playing there won't ever really leave either. It sounds ridiculous and romantic but I am very much both of those things.
And it makes me wonder if I will ever have to choose between having a family and having a career in this business. The nature of that is complex and worrisome so I'm not going to wonder for much longer...instead I'll write or play or sing because that won't ever leave, and I won't ever wish it would - or wish I could love it more than I do (impossible).
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