This isn't for the best

1. 
m and i sit at the high wooden table with two pub meals between us. 
i put my head in my hands again, 
rehash again, and again, and every time it feels different
i feel like a stranger, or maybe someone i knew years ago
sometimes i dream of myself walking away from me
i see my ponytail walking off with someone i don't know
and that's mostly what it feels like.

well anyway m says it's only a mistake until it isn't anymore
and i store that away, useful thing
i can't remember feeling much else but this, for so long, 
and my heart breaks again for him, only just at the beginning,
but still offering little wisdom
then someone's at the door
and we pull each other back into reality just for a little while

that's how i like to keep my friends
a knowing nod. laughing hysterically about something terrible
growing up at the same time, growing up the same way
understand every mistake, forgive every misstep

2.
and then g rolls her eyes at me at the same time i roll mine, and we both hate new years and she's looking for her old diaries to show me that she felt exactly how i feel today at this time last year. i wonder if we move in little cycles of each other, with me lagging behind, feeling everything late. she's going to the beach, then she's going to bed. 

all the complex people i know are shying away from new years and it makes me feel better. i dunno if that's good or bad. 

3.