I see you in spotlights, in visions

alone in my house,

frozen in time,

but don't get me wrong now, honey

i am trying

i am grieving the loss of myself with frightening malaise

when there's weightness in youth, and the sum of it's small,

just stand in the darkness and laugh with your heel on its throat

______________________________________________________________________________

i arrive at her door with two blocks of chocolate

 and she's wrapping up a session

standing there on my own two feet

compartmentalise *that* significance

laugh about it half a block in because

i recall sitting in the shower, melting

i recall sitting in the passenger seat, weeks in, 

i recall sending myself the score i'd kept

then willing it into oblivion

i recall collecting tasks, outings, brunch, 

*this* many songs, *this* many emails, 

*this* is a beautiful day for a walk or a chat

or to convince g to take a trip

a leech on that happiness

trying

to choose abundance, to choose life,

to choose stories over silence

to choose strength and growth

over stagnation and apathy

just choose to be numb sometimes

choose to breathe in deep

when it's spoken into life

and it levers in the air...

and no one else can see it

but i feel it there

that supercut reel

so i'm not quite laughing at the dark

with a heel on its throat

but it is simple enough i think

before i go to sleep 

i choose love

and send it

as far as it'll reach

there if you need