I had a bad feeling

betrayal is a terrible word. 

it reeks of its meaning
suck and pull consonants 
say spit all over it 

i hate it, but it's had me a few times
when i was young
when i was sweet

actually i thought i'd made my peace
it has been with me for years now, after all
and it takes only a little space in my gut.

so enter this phone call, right, 
and suddenly i'm standing in the street 
lighting myself on fire. honestly...

you wouldn't remember this but
i recall waiting in my first car
waiting for a good word,

waiting for you, always,
heartbroke and swollen

but i still waited
when i thought 
i saw you changing

well.

turns out it was a trick of the light.

so when i was driving home again today, bewildered,
big red burns tangled up and down my body,
i wondered why i don't feel so bad about it?
(when i always feel so many things?)
(and i loooove to feel so bad.)

i can only think of this.

i know i know i was a child
you can't pull me like that anymore

and i know i know my strength is not your weakness
although...maybe it is

whatever whatever, if that is the case
it's because i'm a cartoon witch, a haggard villain, 
the one who loses in the end

but who hurt you?

well it was the hottest april i remember
w my feet up on the dash phone against my cheek
primary school parking lot leaves on my windscreen
i'm waiting for something 
i'll take anything

'don't you think?'

dial tone

so, you know, 
try trying me again

i bathe in bleach
my stomach is concrete

fuck
with 
me