SWOLLEN

the storm that was supposed to come was a day late
wide-eyed they said it was gonna be apocalyptic
a deep adrenaline hit in my gut told me it was gonna be bad

but it wasn't so bad

i bought a ticket, sent it to a friend, answered a personal call at work
warmed up halfway through the set
feet on the steering wheel, little mobile home, truth-telling soothsayer singing:

i'm not ok right now, but one day i will be 
repeat into belief

to be blunt, my heart breaks over and over and over and over and
all it takes is a drive by the park or the shopping centre
i take the long way to avoid the hammer
sickly sticky sweetness spews from my mouth

i'm white as a sheet, glasses burn in the heat
eyebrows blooming thick and fast a big heavy lid
a fixture frown i forget where we were

when i first lost you but now i've lost you so many times

i raised my fist to the cliff and thought maybe i should go lose myself or get lost
but i can't afford that shit, i can't afford any of it
all my money is poured into a dream i never see it

do you remember exactly where you were this time last year?
i see myself there to the day, to the date, to the location
a throbbing motion and i retch it up any second
float in it for a while, then get back to work
repeat repeat

this is the part in the movie that everyone talks about
the part where it doesn't feel like it's gonna get better, 
the vertical climb
(the part every good story needs)
(the part every strong person knows)

but i'm weak and boring
i'm not charming or worth rooting for

do i reach out and take again?
bloody, beating and swollen in hand

(between me and you)

(i think i'm losing it now)

(and sometimes it's like a bullet came and blasted me right out of the blue)

(i've been wondering)

(what am i supposed to do?)