(we found Soda, thank god for microchips huh)Tonight I went back to my old high school because my sister had some art in an *exhibition* there and it was the opening or whatever. I thought they were going to serve wine but then I remembered it's a school exhibition opening not real life so yeah oh well.
I had a nice time at high school. I guess I probably would've fitted in better at a more artsy music-y school but the school that I did go to had some really lovely teachers that I still talk to and see and like as people and of course my ffunny ffrends too, who I love. So it wasn't as bad as I thought when I was an angsty seventeen year old. Actually you know I really liked school because I was good at it and I worked hard and it took up ALL of my days which I just love.
Anyway yeah so I went back there tonight and I just thought it was so funny. I walked on the same paths that I walked about a zillion times a day when I was a teenager thinking about life and being so, so ready to leave school. Walking on them again felt strange and I felt as though I should've been about ten years older or more established or something. I liked that it hadn't really changed that much. I liked that I got to go to the visual art building and see one of my artworks from year 11 on the wall. I liked that I saw my old English teacher who is nice and awkward but in an endearing way and I felt kind of sad and nostalgic about the silly way I used to talk to him and how he cared so, so much about my wellbeing when I was in year 12. I'd like to tell him that I went to the doctor after I finished year 12 and I'm much better now and I'll never forget that day when I was complaining to him and he quoted Sylvia Plath: the box is only temporary. I wonder if he remembers that he said that and it meant so much to me but I'm awkward and weird too so I will probably never ask.
I never really miss school these days. I feel like all in all I mostly enjoyed the time I had there but it's over now and has been for a couple of years and that's that you know. But sometimes, every now and again, I get this little pang in my chest thinking about how different things were then and how much I took things for granted. It's so hard to catch up with my girls these days, and I absolutely never see about 95% of my year level who I was so fond of at that time. I don't have teachers pulling me into their office anymore asking if I'm alright, or even just to compliment me on an essay that I had written. I don't pile chairs to the ceiling with my friends anymore playing a game that we made up called chair jenga (you can imagine how that would go) or locker pinball with an actual person as the pinball - there's no time nor place for silly games like that anymore. I don't drag myself onto schoolbuses, sitting right at the back, I don't pull on my blazer or clean my shoes or go to softball practice or play rehearsal. I don't even drink the same things I used to drink when I was underage, finding my feet in high heels and getting picked up by my Dad from parties at midnight.
I guess it's all very soft-focus and blurry and nostalgic when you pile it all together like that. I have different things that are good and beautiful in my life now. I can drive wherever and whenever I so please, I don't have to hide it if I want a cigarette, I can wear as much makeup as I want and I can wear all the flowers in the world in my hair. I drink wine and I work hard and I write music and I get to perform it live all the time. I have seen parts of the world that I could only dream about all cooped up in class. My friends are close to me because they want to be, not just 'cause we have all our classes together. My love is kind and humble and the universe just knew I was too silly to nurture a love so gently when I was young, so we met later.
My first boyfriend moved out of home and I went to his housewarming a couple of weeks ago. He leant me a record and I thought about how my heart would've fluttered had he done that five years ago. But life rolls on and people change and hearts grow and brains do too. I love the past for what it was and I love the changes I have played through since leaving high school. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self all this stuff...but I feel like she would never have listened anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment