I was never meant to have her

I lived with my little sister in a big house in a place I don't know. We lived there with an old lover of mine and his now-girlfriend. Around the house was all this merchandise relating to the movie Pulp Fiction which belonged to the boy. My little sister hated it for some reason so I asked him to take it down, but he didn't. 

I can't quite remember why, but I remember he was kneeling in front of the fireplace next to me, crying, asking me to take him back. I asked, how could you do that to your girlfriend? And besides, I'm in love with someone else. His girlfriend was standing behind us, and as he looked up at her she said, I can't believe I fell for you, not again, and picked up her shoes and left. 

Later that day I saw him in the hallway of our house, howling, tearing down Pulp Fiction posters from the wall.

That night, we were all seated on the front porch of our house. He was standing next to his girlfriend's mother, and his girlfriend was standing next to me, with her arms crossed. He and her mother held on to either side of a piece of fabric. On the fabric, it read:

i know i was never meant to have her

i know i am supposed to have you

He looked at me with a contempt my head must've invented, because I've never seen such an expression from him in real life, then turned to his girlfriend, loving her more than anything I've seen in my life.

~ ~ ~ 

That was a dream that I had last night, and it was so strange, and intricate, and intimate, and it was as though the universe was telling me to let go of everything that had happened in the past that had once caused me pain. I've only ever wanted happiness for the people I have loved, because I still love them, in a distant, platonic way. I once read that you can never kill love; that it's the one thing that never dies. I think that's true, I think love can change, diminish, grow, be suffocated, strangled, disfigured - but I don't think it ever completely dies. Which is sad, in lots and lots of ways, because there's nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't deserve it, or doesn't appreciate it, or doesn't love you back in the way that you so desperately want. 

I counted my blessings this morning, by kissing each and every one of them on my Lewis's face after I awoke from that dream.