I won't give uuuuuuup

The gig last night was good fun. I had to kind of shake my head to clear it a couple of times (nothing new), standing in an empty Corner Hotel in the middle of a hah-uge timber dancefloor looking up at this giant stage with lights and smoke and everything cool! Feeling like I'm in Raise Your Voice omgggg

I guess I was probably trying to subconsciously fill the space up with my outfit, which was pre-approved by the band when they were met with me modelling three dress options - three different sets of vibes where only ONE could prevail! So we went with red and sequiny (my sister's 18th dress from three years ago + my little sister's silly glitter heels), which matched the curtains that hid my flinging hands from our faithful audience as we set up our gear to go. 


I am just such a mess when it comes to gig bookends! Beforehand I'm stomping up and down in pub bathrooms, doing this relaxation thing that my Dad taught me, or packing about ten more leads than I need to, or saying words without letting my brain filter them first and just plain mishearing things (last night my friend said 'I'm so hungry' which I thought was 'I'm so ugly') and generally scrunching and unscrunching my hands til I can't feel my fingers anymore. Afterwards it's a similar deal, with the added self-scrunity I succumb to thinking my God how bad was that note/why do I do that with my hands/I totally played the wrong chord then oh God, and the frustration of not being able to communicate to my band's guests just how appreciative and grateful I am to see them there, and to have their support. 


After a gig I'm a bubbling, stumbling, self-aware little bundle of adrenaline holding her heart in her hands trying to giftwrap it to give to friends and family. Sometimes also juggling a beer and the remnants of my fragile outfit. 


I mean on stage it's a different story (a cliched one but a different one). Things are very very  clear to me up there, somehow. And everything I ever felt is felt one-million fold by me 'cause everyone around is sharing it and feeling it too. So comforting, and warm, and it's nice to not be able to see a thing because too many people are there with you. I can't describe to you how content it makes me to a) play music with a band who understands exactly why our music exists and b) play music to an audience who is listening and trying to figure out why our music exists and oh God what happened to these kids to make them feel something like that???


Oh and I mean, last night was good. Nights and gigs can be bad, unfortunately a lot. But I guess everything bad ever is worth everything good ever is worth everything bad ever etc etc. 


Oh well! Purpose for living and all that. It's nice to be reminded every now and again why oh why I've chosen this particular path, for one with a head so set on being safe.