User's Manual to Depression

Congratulations on your new Depression! You probably did not purchase Depression by being one of the first one hundred callers to dial a 1800 number being displayed on your screen right now - in fact, you probably did not purchase Depression at all. But here it is!

Among the many features of your new Depression (including permanent edgy bags under your eyes and a groove in your mattress created after days in bed) is the number one, 100% genuine, A+ quality *LIFETIME GUARANTEE*: that's right, Depression is yours to keep until the day you die! Wow!

To keep your Depression alive and well for the remainder of your now-miserable life, use this manual as a guide. You should always treat your Depression with the attention it deserves!

Firstly it's important to remember your Depression only wants to help YOU out! Your Depression will sit on your shoulders 24 hours a day, speaking to you and reminding you of all the things you should be doing to lessen your burden on the world, because let's face it: you need all the help you can get! If your Depression tells you to:

- Stay in bed.

- Stop eating.

- Get angry at your friends and family.

- Neglect your homework/job/all responsibilities.

or anything else along those lines, you should do it! After all, only Depression is with you at ALL times. Only Depression knows how terrible a person you are. Depression KNOWS you deserve to be UNhappy!

The more you follow your Depression's orders, the stronger it will become, until your Depression BECOMES you - this is called ~ ROCK BOTTOM ~ and what a wonderful place to be! Your friends (the ones you have left) won't recognise you nor want to spend any time with you and your family only has to see you when you crawl to the bathroom from your bedroom to puke from crying - everyone wins! 

When the advice in this manual is followed religiously, you will become a walking, talking Depression yourself. You will repel all other living creatures and everyone will eventually give up on you, like you gave up on yourself a long, long time ago.

Good luck!