To sit in hell with you

i wish you wouldn't ask the people to turn their flashlights on, 
because i want to hide my face from anyone i might know
ugly curve into myself and will the ground to swallow me whole
so that no one can see me crying to this song. 

i'd rather die than have people know i'm crying to this song

i routinely open myself up with a blunt knife
i dissect it all and even still seesaw daily
goggles on, book-smart lady
trying to make sense of the nonsensical
trying to hold love and quantify it
trying to make a deal with chance

trying to heal.
i wait for the sun
stitch myself up quietly
walk around with big threaded scars up and down my body
tell people i was struck by lightning

i'll never be satisfied and i get it but
why can't i be like everyone i grew up with
centred, and happy, and bright, 
stable jobs and contented couples and cycling back around
soon there'll be little ones and i will be haggard and ancient
still chasing that satisfaction i know i'll never have

i wanna throw up!! the smell
of the clothes i buried deep in a box they're mine and yours and
i wouldn't touch them with a ten ft pole but would you like to hear the scent?

i chase that feeling, that breakdown, rock bottom
i move towards it without knowing i've left

i kick off the tiled floor of the pool and reach for the surface wondering if i'll break it

if you're wondering what i've been doing i spent the month burning alive, 
drama drama drama queen

am i on some list now? i wondered that today, when i was at the back of the room 
teens everywhere - i was one of them once, thinking i was grappling with something
i wonder if i've done the same damage or less or worse. certainly been the worst before

and i truly hate myself more than ever, what an absolute careless idiot

I BOUGHT A TICKET TO A THUNDERSTORM
and i think i bought the coffee first

i sit on my own, i'm getting used to it

i very nearly broke today but then i didn't