(I chase that feeling of an eighteen year old who didn't know what loss was.)
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far away, a knowing voice, a knowing look that i can still see so clearly, eyebrows raised in the dark. laughing, but i don't feel sad,
"you sound like a mess."
and suddenly i'm ok with it and inconsolable all at once - one thing i know so absolutely is that everything will cycle and roll over again, so i cry and laugh at how that's the funniest, simplest, most honest thing i've heard from you or anyone in weeks. you laugh with me, probably at me a little as well, and i know everything will be alright - even if i have to claw my way up a vertical face to see the sun again.
(something i am learning is that everyone, for the most part, is just making the best decision they can with the tools currently at their disposal.)
laugh and breathe out, sigh and lean into it again, give up a hundred times but never truly mean it. say goodnight in the morning and take comfort knowing there are people that i love on the other side of the world living happily while i toss to sleep. visit reality in a big wide circle around my bedroom - sometimes it's hard to go to work or the optometrist or the mechanic and all i want to do is die and run away to my car but i stay and get it done because silly things in real life continue no matter what and the one annoying thing about them is that they demand to be done
and i think that's a part of what it means to get better
and i think that's a part of what it means to get better
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