PHOTO BY JACCOB MCKAY
I'm not even sorry about putting those two pics next to each other. I really like Perfect you guys. I've always considered myself a passionate but pretty casual fan of 1D but every now and again they release these emotional bangers that just kill meeeeee. Harry in the hotel room with the storm projections is the background on my computer and my phone, and I'm thinking about stapling a printout of it to my forehead just so everyone knows about my new **aesthetic**.
I never seem to be able to prioritise writing here recently - I have lots of other writing that is demanding my attention but a couple of appointments got cancelled this week and I've found myself with an hour to spare. I've been suffering those wonderful obsessive episodes - you know when you find a new song, or band, or person, who you just die for immediately and cannot get enough information about? I've had that most recently with the Perfect video (lol) and then previous to that I found out about Ronda Rousey, who has been my inspirational wonder woman of late. I struggle a lot with body image and to see a woman who knows every inch of her own strength, and rides the fluctuations of body weight expertly and to her advantage, and understands that her body will not always look one way or another but can still admire it in all its forms is really special to me. She's also overcome an eating disorder and done a bunch of charity work. She is so strong, and confident, and pretty much everything I wish I was, because I am so afraid of weight gain and I feel very insecure about the way I look and whether or not I am beautiful enough to 'make it'. She is not super thin but she is super fit. I'm quite fit, and not thin at all, and although her body and mine are literal universes apart I feel ever so slightly better about myself when I see a woman like her getting up like that. I dunno. She's got me feeling some type of way.
When I was at the gym the other day I was seriously motivated, more motivated than normal, and I found myself thinking about how committed and how great Ronda Rousey is and the whole session was extremely positive, productive, and enjoyable. That's pretty unusual for me, because I'm always the most excited about finishing a workout - that feeling when you're done is always the best for me. But I actually genuinely and thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing in the moment, and I think it was because, rather than my normal thought process of 'I must outrun and out lift every piece of food that's entered my mouth and if I don't I'll get REALLY UGLY', I was completely focused on being stronger and fitter than I was before. I felt proud of how far and how fast I can run, and proud of the way my calf muscles curve around my leg and my arm muscles wrap tightly underneath my skin. One day I hope to feel like that all the time.
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