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Tonight I have put everything on hold, exams, recording, everything...I am sad about Dave. 

Really, really, really sad. 

I don't know what brought it all on but I've been thinking about him a lot recently. I think it has something to do with assessments, how last year I would always think 'Oh Dave is going to do something atrociously impressive for this piece and mine will be so inadequate in comparison' and how he was so meticulous in every single way in his own pieces, and also in his performances of others' too. 

It makes me terribly sad to think that I will see countries he never did and never will, I will hear music he missed, I am allowed to hold Beatles records in my human hands while he is trapped inside our memories. 

I'll write songs and create art during my time on earth while he can only listen to them and watch us from somewhere in the atmosphere. If he can even do that. 

I'm always going to think of him as someone older and smarter than me even when I surpass him in age and in books read. When I think of him I'm 18 years old, sitting timidly in a lecture hall having a panic attack while he sits behind me, precociously answering the lecturer's question with more detail than any of us can comprehend. 

People don't know what they don't see ~closed doors~. When I'm browsing the nailpolishes at the chemist, wearing my flowercrown and leaving a trail of glitter in my wake, people don't realise that I'm waiting for my anti-depressant prescription to be filled.

And it's OK, it really is. Because there are tablets for pain-stopping and there are tablets to equalise chemicals in your brain so that it's a normal brain and not a fucked up brain that kills all hope, and motivation, and happiness, dead. 

Dave did not not try. He was calm, and meditative, and contemplative. I just didn't know him well enough to know what happened. 

I just miss him, and his gentle, wise presence. The waste of such a spirit...it literally tears me to pieces. 

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