Stay awake cont.

but don't take it from me. i'm flakey and i can have a perfectly good conversation voice not wavering when i'm crying and collapsing from the inside out. i wish i had gypsy blood but my blood is manic and i need tablets to calm it but they don't work all the time you know and i wish i wish i could be like the people i see on the late night trains going into the city with high heels and everything and you know they have 9-5 jobs in the week and tonight's the night you know like maybe they're with the girls or it's someone's birthday or whatever but oh man i have work all next week all my days are full kind of thing that would suck but it would be great. i want to know what is a feeling and where do we feel it and i want to know why i care so much about things that don't matter like why did that person just walk outside while i was singing i must truly be unbearable you know. i want to be sick but i don't i want to scream and i wish i could but i swallow my tongue down into my throat and gag on it but you know at the same time i wish i could eat cereal for every meal so. 

i dyed my hair the same colour blue as the little fish that swims in his tank in my room. people raise their eyebrows at me like i'm crazy when i tell them i am actually crazy and no one believes that sometimes i have to pull over in my car to take a few deep breaths and i believe in 2 things 1. that you have to work hard to be happy and 2. not every second of youth is made of nostalgia and i should know that one because i have squeezed every night spent drinking and dancing and i have scraped every last second of magic from india and from my bedroom and it's there and it's hard work but i guess it's kind of noble. or maybe it's pathetic or self indulgent or sad.