Holiday in Spain

Sorry again for the long time between posts. This apologising is getting really old and I really need to lift my game with more regular posting but you know what it's like to be nineteen and moody and busy and everything so I hope you can cut me some slack. 

Basically it's been a day-by-day kind of month. I've had lots of bad dreams and sad dreams where I'm stuck in an industrial warehouse in India and I can't get out or our ducks were separated and crying out for each other with their little "meep!"s or Dave is standing in fields with long grass and he's there and he's not. My ears are infected and itchy and I wake up hating the way my stomach curves outwards not inwards. I still cry at mostly nothing and sometimes if I can't look forward to anything I don't see any reason to try. 

But I think what keeps me here and trying are those things that happen that make me want to happen too. Last night I was drinking wine with some beautiful people and I was just so happy and so filled with joy that I practically started crying right there on the couch. There was so much love, that old luminous familiar love in the room, the kind that grows over years like a climbing vine around your heart. I have a friend whose laugh is so mighty and so joyous I cannot help but stare and giggle along in my dorky way. Sentimentally he put on "When Somebody Loved Me" from Toy Story 2, I put my arm around his waist and he put his around my shoulder and I felt all the life in his laugh ripple through me too and I forgot every sad and bad dream I've ever had. 


I have a lover who I collided with in a mess of sadness and defiance and I don't mind colliding with him over and over, fast asleep in the early hours of the morning, turning to his arms. 

And when I'm on stage with flowers in my hair that my Mum wired and glued with her own hands, singing words that I wrote about the awful and the precious things about living and loving, looking out into a sea of people I love and keep breathing for - I can't help but smile and believe that I'll never stop. At least I know what I was put on the earth to do.