...which is lame and painful and so gross because it weeps pus almost constantly. Seriously ew. So motivation for work is kind of low but I REALLY should get my act together as I have my end of year recital in a week's time from tomorrow, and I'm really quite unsure of what I'm actually going to be doing.
...I left this post for about an hour just then because I got the guilts about just sitting around watching my ear drip pus onto my top so I've done some work now. Which leads me into a little schpeel...
Me 50% of the time: My body is fab peanut butter is fab bread is fab I went for a run today I am allowed to eat whatever I can fit in my body right now bye
Me 50% of the time: Oh no I've put on so much weight oh God OK starting now I'm a vegan right now cutting out all toxins no sugar no coffee just gym one million hours per day bye
I hate this part of my head. I'm so over see-sawing between contentment, even pride, and downright hatred, for this wonderful body I've been loaned for who knows how long. I'm so over denying myself unhealthy food to the point where I go crazy with craving it and end up eating much more of it than I would have if I'd just HAD it in the first place!
You know, one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my entire life happened around this time last year. I was at a party, and the music was wonderful and we'd just sung 'happy birthday' and naturally I declined a slice of some seriously delectable-looking cake. I sat on the edge of the table resting from dancing during I song I didn't know, and looking up I saw, spinning in joyous circles on the dancefloor, an absolutely majestic, glorious creature. This girl (who I didn't know at the time, but we move sweetly in the same social circle now) was dancing so energetically, so vibrantly, with her plastic plated-birthday cake in one hand and a spoon in the other. As she moved so fast and so divine, she somehow managed to consume a huge slice of cake too. And honestly, it was the most beautiful, perfect moment, to see this beautiful creature dance and eat so sweetly and so earnestly.
Whenever I feel annoyed at myself for not having a flat stomach or twig legs I try to think about that; that ethereal memory that I have of this girl who is just so beautiful, enjoying a piece of food that was created to be enjoyed, not regretted. I know just how ridiculous my brain is, which is helpful, because it's getting easier and easier to tell it to shut up when it starts acting out.
I promise this is the silliest thing that gets me down. And it's so frustrating because I know how narcissistic this whole thing is and that makes me even more annoyed at myself because on top of being "fat" I'm also selfish and boring. OOOOOOO great goodness me, heave a mighty sigh...and as my Mum would say, "Oh boy...!"
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