To be honest I am very surprised and a bit proud that I made it through this week in one piece. So much has happened that I can barely remember as far back as Monday.
I have finally gotten to the point where I can truthfully admit that I've committed myself to too many projects at once. I always say that, but continue to book things in regardless of it, and always say to myself that I'd be crazy to turn things down even if it makes my schedule literally insane. I think these past few weeks have been a turning point, finally, FINALLY I think I understand the concept of just thinking before I agree to things. I said no to extra work earlier this week which I technically could've taken on, but listened to my gut which was saying "girl don't do it". I would rather be down $100 a week than experience the panic and stress of an obscenely packed schedule. I am trying very hard, all the time, in all aspects of my existence. Being SO stressed and panicked and busy makes me short-tempered, aggressive, and sad. Being stressed and busy to a very particular point makes me extremely happy and content, and being not busy enough makes me thoroughly depressed. I know the vague algorithm but I don't know the exact level of busy vs not busy that equals my ultimate happiness. I really hope that by realising how much it takes for me to go crazy, I'm getting closer to the answer.
Thursday was particularly interesting and trying. I had a very rare heated conversation with my mum before I left the house at 8am, which distracted me and upset me like those things do when they are left relatively unresolved. I had to go because I was recording again for my solo EP with my two mentors and I think I pulled it together enough to put in some good work. During this session I got several emails, one markedly urgent to do with Frida artwork and the terrifying control freak very thinly veiled within me had to be stifled as I just needed to keep my head in the studio right then - and it was then that I realised you should NEVER check your emails while recording. Then I had to leave and go straight to work to teach 7 kids for 20 minutes each and I'd never taught this bunch before so I thank the universe every day that L works at this school's aftercare and knows all the kids by name and can help me locate them in the playground. After this I went back to WS to eat dinner with L and O and get an update on all things Frida and record labels and videos and developments that had occurred while I was otherwise occupied and to vent and have vents thrown about around me. I then got into an Uber to start M and my DJ set without him because he had a gig (don't worry you guys I made myself a spreadsheet of 'cool' 'chill' 'r and b' music to play in the early hours).
M arrived at about 10pm in a drenched rubber-ducky yellow raincoat and newly sculpted handlebar moustache. His friends (who are also subject to my new friend-making addiction) had already arrived, milling quietly during the pre-drinks set and leaning over the booth to kiss my cheek hello. I love DJing with M because we are enthusiastic but kinda lazy DJs - once a song is on, and the next song is ready to go, you really have about three minutes to just have a lil talk about things (especially early in the night). M had some honest, helpful and external advice on the things that had gotten me really down earlier in the day and week, shared in the time it took for the outro to Prototype to kick in.
So we talked and joked and M's phone lit up with a message and he left the booth to answer it and my gut told me what had already happened. M's friend had just passed away, which is an unspeakable sadness that he knew was coming due to a diagnosis earlier in the year. The last couple of weeks had not been good for him and this outcome was expected, but an expected shock such as this is still an awful, paralysing, ton-of-bricks shock all the same.
I gave M our drink cards and hugged him twice and told him to leave and be with his friends. He left his things with me as I promised to deliver them home and my heart broke as he and his friends began to grieve. This is not the first time a friend of a friend has been cruelly and unfairly and tragically taken too soon, and I remembered the feeling of heavy sadness to see someone that I love suffering such grief. I didn't know this friend so my sadness is irrelevant in comparison to those that did. But it is silly to disregard the heaviness and I know that I feel it because I have such a fondness for these good people, huddled together under a big pub umbrella, metres away from the melancholy DJ spinning The Black Eyed Peas' My Humps.
The universe is mean.
M left and I still had a couple of hours of solo sombre party DJing to fulfil in his absence, and so distracted by the look on his white face I worked till 1am (this is not a pity party for me by the way, I am clearly in the preferable position of not having lost a friend, I just thought that the whole evening was so long and absurd that I needed to write about it from my perspective to gain some kind of lesson from the experience). I will take this opportunity to say that the staff at The Brunswick Hotel are absolutely amazing - they were really concerned about why the sunshine man who usually DJs with me was so sad and they put their arms around my shoulders and gave me drinks on top of the ones already provided and when I thanked them they said "Everyone has bad nights" and helped me set up and pack up and if all staff were more like them I think the gigging world would be a much better place.
I arrived at WS looking like a exhausted mule with about fifteen bags hanging off my body. My Uber driver helped me gather everything and my L was already waiting at the open door. M had arrived a few minutes ago and his friend m was there too, sitting cross-legged on his bed, with all of their hands in a tangle on top of her pink pyjamas. The night was private but everyone stayed up pretty late talking and hugging as you should do in these situations. H made fried eggs at around 2am and the smell was as absurd and unsettling then as the entire day had felt to me. A perfect full stop. We surrendered to bed even though I hardly dared to even think that I'd be able to sleep and when morning came I quietly packed myself up and went to work in a thoughtful daze.
I'm glad I wrote that all out. I've been feeling unsettled and I think it's because of what I mentioned firstly - that I simply just have too much going on - and also because a lot of what I have going on is based on indeterminate things or things that are out of my control, if that makes any sense at all. Music was what I chose and what I intend to pursue and I am glad that the universe allowed the time that night for M and I to have a brief discussion of such matters before everything happened. Music just so happens to be a profession based on indeterminate things - there is no telling what will be successful and what the future holds, you just make the best art you can and work really fucking hard and cross your fingers and hope for the best. I do believe that if you work hard enough you will get whatever you want. I now believe that this should actually be, if you work hard and smart enough you will get whatever you want. I still believe that, and I've been working hard...and working on the working smart bit.
Working hard is one thing, however, but matters of the heart are another. Like anyone else I cannot stand seeing someone I love in pain and I know that time heals but in the moment it is devastating. I am focused on my goals but when things like this happen I am reminded to remember what's really important and to tell everyone I love that I love them absolutely. Have you ever used 'I love you' with reckless abandon? I have, and do all the time, and it feels great - friends, family, lovers, givers of free drinks and animals too - being liberal with 'I love you's is a very, very important practice to me. Now is as good a time as any to remind everyone in your vicinity that ya just love 'em.
and M, if you are reading, and if you still won't have it, we will use it to have breakfast with you and me and Freg and L. Or get some good wine and play Balderdash again.
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